Role Models?

     Let me preface this post by saying that I have absolutely NOTHING against heavy people. I understand that the media has a fascination with waif-like women. I also understand that many of the beauty ideals that we are bombarded with daily are unattainable for the average woman. I understand and respect that most of us will never be a size two. I see nothing wrong with that, but the celebration of Gabby Sibide has me a little confused. Why is she celebrated for having a "real" body? Her body is UNHEALTHY. I'm not a dietitian, but she looks to be about 150 pounds overweight. The media tells us that most Americans look like Ms. Sibide. They also praise her for being comfortable in her own skin. I applaud her body confidence. I'm a size two and I have trouble mustering up confidence quite often. Her confidence is all I will applaud. I would not want my daughter to aspire to be her weight and to be fair, I don't want her to look like Kate Moss either. There has to be a balance and it seems that Americans don't know where that happy median is. I'm sorry, but I could not continue to sit back and ignore it any longer... I'm just sayin...

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Recently I went to Wet Willies to get uber-wasted with friends. This led to a very interesting conversation about the classification of D!CK. (Don't judge us lol) So I figured I would inform the masses of our synopsis... The GOOD, The BAD, The UGLY:

The BAD:

How To Identify It:  Generally the owner of the BAD D!ICK brags incessantly about how spectacular he is, don't be fooled. He sux!! He lacks rhythm, technique, form, and pacing skills. Sometimes he climaxes entirely too early. Other times he lasts for hours, hours, and hours much to your chagrin. Post-Coitus he will feel triumphant and boastful. DO NOT FEED HIS EGO UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! He needs to know how bad it is. Shortly after your encounter with Mr. BAD, you will feel anger, sorrow, hopelessness, and time wastefulness.

The GOOD:

How To Identify It: Good sex is just good sex. The owner of a pretty GOOD D!CK can be tricky. He probably fluctuates between Good, Bad, and Ugly D!ICK. Don't be alarmed. He can be taught. After Good D!ICK you will feel refreshed, happy, appreciative, relaxed, and lucky.

The UGLY:

How To Identify It: The name "THE UGLY" sounds horrible and scary and it very well can be if you are not strong enough to resist the inevitable addiction to it. UGLY D!CK is potent and can literally run you crazy. The owner of the UGLY is cool, VERY COOL. He's unassuming yet confident. After you experience THE UGLY your life will forever be changed. You will feel drowsy, high, disoriented and your clitoris will feel like its eating birthday cake with Jesus. Yes, its THAT serious! I'm warning you! Clear your schedule if you happen to come across THE UGLY and keep those emotions in check.

Get Your Life Here

Does this happen down at your local welfare? Can you give a bitch a two-piece and a biscuit and muster up the strength to vogue and deathdrop directly after? Are he and I related? Yasssssss Hanny!

Things I've Accepted as FACT

Food tastes better when you are drunk. All men cheat. Children are germ receptacles. Most people jump on bandwagons. Sex is best when you actually care about a person. People don't change. Carrie and Mr Big are not real. Women should talk less. Men should listen more. You can never turn your emotions off. Your subconscious is a mufucka. Cash rules everything around me. Smiling is so much easier than pouting. Kevin Hart isn't funny. Capitalism is designed so that most of us are modern day slaves. Twitter is addictive. My nails look better dark. God lives within us. We are all narcissistic. Love always hurts. Good dick will run you crazy. People will think whatever they want and it rarely matters. You can chose your view on life. Happiness is a myth. You're gonna hurt a few people along the way, its inevitable. Anal sex is only for masochists. People ain't bout shit. Most Americans should carry a dictionary (I do). Life owes us nothing. Andre 3000 is the best rapper alive. All attention isn't good. Hennessy ain't so bad. Apartments in nice areas mean nothing unless you own them.Dave Chappelle is the funniest man alive. That is all.  

Just Sayin....

I don't know if anyone else feels this way. I know one perrson does but... here goes nothing....

My friends understand me but they don't GET me. I know this already isn't making sense. I'm slightly addicted to pain. On a sadomasochist level. Before your mind travels to the gutter this particular post is about emotional feelings not sex. I like to live. I like to feel. I'm incredibly sensitive. Every emotion, even the ones that torment me, makes me feel so alive. I love going through the motions. When I'm at my happiest I feel alive. When I'm at my lowest I know I am alive even if I don't want to be. Its so important to me to be able to feel... thats why I constantly go into situations that I know will be hurtful. I know it'll hurt tomorrow but tonight... tonight will be amazing! Tonight all my dreams will come true. Tomorrow I'll be living in hell... And it was all worth it... Just saying

Peer Pressure

My upbringing was unorthodox to say the least. My mother is BiPolar and extremely free -spirited. My father is strict, serious, and very old-fashioned. With that combination of parental units it goes without saying that I have an interesting perspective on morality and what is and is NOT couth. When I left my parents' households, I left with a definite view of what was right and wrong. (I.E. if you get pregnant, you get married. NO EXCUSES! and ladies wear dresses in the house of the Lord. You are a direct representation of your family, etc. <--- lessons my daddy taught me) Since leaving the confines of my family and Macon, GA I do things I know my family would disapprove of, but everyone else does it.... I know that the "everyone is doing it" excuse is not only a very weak argument but it is also the oldest teenage comeback ever recorded. It is quickly debunked with a quip from mom, "Well if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do that too?"  But sitting here at 3:14 AM has me revisiting my parents wisdom. Why am I participating in things I know are NOT right just because the masses are doing it? I know I'm not the only person  guilty of this offense. Its just so hard to say no sometimes. Am I still a victim of peer pressure or am I just doing what I've always wanted to do?

Gold Wrappers Please!!

A friend of mine brought up an interesting theory recently, she said, "A woman that carries condoms is loose. She's too prepared. Let the man be responsible for something." That statement had me scratching my head. I am proud to say there is a 12 pack of beautifully gold wrapped treasures laying somewhere around my house. I can't say where they are exactly because I'm celibate and rather messy but they are here just in case temptation takes over. I personally feel like a woman... no, A PERSON, can never be too prepared. Hell I was always taught plans and preparation are the keys to success. I'm not too comfortable putting my health in anyone else's hands. I am happy with my negative STD scan. We live in a society where casual sex is not only tolerated but it is the norm. None of these women carry condoms? Am I the exception? Is it acceptable for the modern day woman to carry condoms in her purse yet? It is 2010! (happy belated new year lol) and I still hear women call other women whores for carrying condoms! I don't understand that logic. What do you think?

PS... Don't come in my room if you can't fit a Trojan Magnum XL. I'M spoiled ;)

Chicken or Fish: A Quick Overview of Infidelity

  
Earlier @IshmealAlmighty and I were talking about cheating. I came with a simple theory to explain why we cheat: If I told you one day when you were approximately 27 or 28 years old that I wanted you to eat chicken everyday, what would you think? You would look at me as if I was crazy right. Why would you eat chicken every single day for the rest of your life when there are so many other delicious foods to enjoy? Even if Chicken is your favorite food, you don't want to eat it everyday! That's how I feel about relationships and marriage... why would I want to eat chicken everyday when there is sausage, fish, shrimp, porkchops, and steak! Why on earth would I torture myself that way? I don't love chicken any less than... lets say, FISH, but chicken will never taste like fish. I can cook chicken a thousand different ways and eats for a thousand days but then after that... it still won't taste like fish. It is also HIGHLY likely that I will be sick and tired of chicken after a thousand meals. I want fish now! I want something that is NOT chicken. I still look the favor, texture, and versatility of chicken but I need a change. So I cheat on chicken. I order the fish plate instead. Chicken cries and wants a divorce. Chicken doesn't understand why I no longer love it. But I do still LOVE chicken. I just had a craving for fish... Just sayin...

Men and Cheating

  
      Sorry guys I haven't had anything to say lately however, in light of the recent "Tiger-Gate" I was inspired to talk shit.... Now I was not surprised at Tiger's antics. He is a MAN, not only is he a man he is a VERY rich man. I don't really expect him to be faithful to anyone. But fuck Tiger... I don't know anyone with a Tiger Woods bank account so we'll just talk about men and cheating....
     I believe that all men cheat. No exceptions! Rich, poor, black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Atheist etc. I'm not a pessimist, I'm just a realist. People, not just men, are animals and i don't THINK we are supposed to be with one person for an entire lifetime. Not without a few snafus. Women cheat too but we're better at it (winks).
Are men expected to cheat? Is it something that largely ignored because "boys will be boys"? Would you chase your cheating spouse with a baseball bat (or any cylindrical, heavy object) if you found out they were cheating? Would you even want to know about their scandalous ways? What constitutes cheating? Do you cheat? Just Wondering....

Photographs

Dear You,
There's a picture in my phone of us. We look cute. We look happy. I should delete it but I can't. Not yet... We look sooo happy. I like to remember the good moments. The great moments... We had a lot of great moments together. I miss you like crazy but... No buts... I just miss you so I won't erase it. Not yet. Maybe not ever. Just know that someone adores you, no matter what.

Luh,

Hope

The Making of a Hoe: The Ugly Duckling

An "ugly duckling" is a person who was once unattractive and is now conventionally attractive. I say conventionally because ideally "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and all that jazz. When you grow up "ugly" you get used to people ignoring you. You begin to feel invisible and you grow accustomed to that feeling. Then one day, seemingly overnight, you're attractive. You're attractive and people can see you. You're no longer invisible, no longer "ugly". What do you do? You're getting loads of attention, attention you've always wanted but could never quite get. Its here! What would YOU do?? Well become a whore of course! You would become a kid in a proverbial candy store. Your former crushes can see you now. You want to give EVERYBODY the business and before you know it... You're a hoe... Nothing wrong with it... Just sayin

Download This Mixtape

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NEW MIXTAPE "Money to Burn" Hosted By: DJ D-Rock

Sex Tapes???

Everybody and their mom has a sex tape. It seems to be the hot new thing. I've been asked to star in my very own sex tape and though the idea of it is tantalizing and tempting I just can't do it unless some demands are met and some questions are answered. I know, I'm a tad bit demanding but hey... I don't wanna end up like Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton. The public embarrassment would be agonizing. So without further ado.... What type of film/camera will we be using? Who will be holding the camera? I like to use my hands so I vote you! Will there be wardrobe changes? I'd like at least 2 special, eye catching designer pieces for the occasion. Will there be props? Will you provide the sound effects? Can we hire a makeup artist to hide my trouble areas? I would really love it if we could choreograph a dance sequence at the beginning! Can you only shoot me from the left please? What?! Its my best side!! Who will be editing this video after the shoot? What will we eat when we watch it together? Who keeps the copy? Hold on buddy, ill keep the copy!!! Can we do stunts? Can I have a stunt double?! I've always wanted one. Can my name roll first in the credits? Just saying...

Dark Skinned Girls FTW!!!!

I love, love, LOVE Kelly Rowland and I think she was an excellent pick for this video.

The Illustrious Date

"Courting" is dead. Nowadays when a guy meets a girl he asks can they "chill" at either her place or his. Chill, kick it, shoot the breeze, et cetera all mean the same thing... 'Shawty I wanna F@#$!"........
Ummm I don't know about ya'll but I have a philosophy: I don't sell my body but I damn sure don't give it away. So that mean we can't chill shawty. You need to take me out and show me you know how to treat a lady. And trust, despite my language at times, I am nothing less than a prim and proper lady. So what happened to the date? When is the last time you've been on a real date? Are relationships over? Is it all about casual sex now? Can you feed me DAMMIT?! just sayin.....

Tools and Tips: Jumpoffs

Dear Jumpoff,

     I know that your place in society is overlooked and misunderstood. You work hard dammit! You work hard at keeping your pseudo man happy and I don't know about society at large but I appreciate your role. I just wanna help so below I have some tools and tips for you to be successful at your job. No need to thank me. I do this for you!

Luh,

Hope

Tools & Tips

1. He is NOT your man: Sorry but he isn't. He's Monica's man. You're just the jumpoff.

2. Play your role: Again, he is Brittany's man so that means you can't drop by his house unannounced, call him at crazy hours, call Tiara's job or anything CRAZY! You are the jumpoff... the jumpoff is for sex only. PLAY THAT ROLE!

3. Use a condom: This is self explanatory but just in case it isn't... If you get pregnant Tanya is not gonna allow him to take care of that baby. Sad but true. And of course you don't want any nasty, incurable STDs/STIs. Not cute!

4.  Do NOT try to fight his girl: Sorry but thats HER man not yours (referring back to T&T #1). Do not go up to her place of work or humble abode trying to start some mess. You will look silly!

5. Do Not go around bragging about being the jumpoff: In situations as sensitive as these discretion is mandatory. That means don't go bragging at the club, at work, on social networking sites, or Random House. You are a HOE! People will not sympathize with you nor will they think you have something special.

just sayin....

This Has Nothin to do with Nothin

I will become this man"s wife tonight if he asks... Just sayin....

Makes My Teeth White...

Nigger, nigga, ni66a. nucca, my nig.... If you say any variation of this word in the RIGHT place at the RIGHT time you will be in for the beating of a lifetime. The N word is easily the most deplorable racial epitaph in the English language yet WE (I'm referring to black people) constantly use it in popular culture and everyday life. The common defense of the word is that black people have stripped the word of its negativity. The word is now an empowering term of endearment.... but if your skin is the wrong color you will still catch the beating of a lifetime. So, that means it DOES still have power as a racial slur. It ISN'T so endearing. Just sayin...

Love, Actually

Guy: how many times have you been in love? 
Me: umm 3 times if you count yourself lol 
Guy: no no. Don't count me. We weren't in love. 
Me: umm well I'm pretty sure I was in love with you. 
Guy: that was just you... 
First of all this guy is a douchebag. Secondly, what is "love" really? Does it have to be mutual to exist? Can you be in love all alone? If you are in love all alone does it even count as a notch on your belt? What you saw above is a real conversation between myself and someone I was "involved" with but not dating so it hurt to hear that... So do you guys know, what is love actually?

3Somes????

Every man I know wants to engage in a 3some... No exceptions! But before I agree to participate I have some pertinent questions: Whose responsibility is it to find the 3rd person? If its 2 boys and 1 girl, is it still a 3some or has it become something else? Where do the hands go? If I lick her does that automatically make me gay? Since she's technically taking my virginity, am I gonna fall in love with her like I fell in love with my first boyfriend? Should I serve refreshments before or after? Is it gonna hurt? Can I sleep with her again after we engage in this 3some? Does this officially make me a hoe? What does a 3some smell like? What type of attire do you wear to the 3some; is it casual? Can I get my official pimp card afterwards (I've always wanted one :))
....just wondering