The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Recently I went to Wet Willies to get uber-wasted with friends. This led to a very interesting conversation about the classification of D!CK. (Don't judge us lol) So I figured I would inform the masses of our synopsis... The GOOD, The BAD, The UGLY:

The BAD:

How To Identify It:  Generally the owner of the BAD D!ICK brags incessantly about how spectacular he is, don't be fooled. He sux!! He lacks rhythm, technique, form, and pacing skills. Sometimes he climaxes entirely too early. Other times he lasts for hours, hours, and hours much to your chagrin. Post-Coitus he will feel triumphant and boastful. DO NOT FEED HIS EGO UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! He needs to know how bad it is. Shortly after your encounter with Mr. BAD, you will feel anger, sorrow, hopelessness, and time wastefulness.

The GOOD:

How To Identify It: Good sex is just good sex. The owner of a pretty GOOD D!CK can be tricky. He probably fluctuates between Good, Bad, and Ugly D!ICK. Don't be alarmed. He can be taught. After Good D!ICK you will feel refreshed, happy, appreciative, relaxed, and lucky.

The UGLY:

How To Identify It: The name "THE UGLY" sounds horrible and scary and it very well can be if you are not strong enough to resist the inevitable addiction to it. UGLY D!CK is potent and can literally run you crazy. The owner of the UGLY is cool, VERY COOL. He's unassuming yet confident. After you experience THE UGLY your life will forever be changed. You will feel drowsy, high, disoriented and your clitoris will feel like its eating birthday cake with Jesus. Yes, its THAT serious! I'm warning you! Clear your schedule if you happen to come across THE UGLY and keep those emotions in check.

Tools and Tips: Jumpoffs

Dear Jumpoff,

     I know that your place in society is overlooked and misunderstood. You work hard dammit! You work hard at keeping your pseudo man happy and I don't know about society at large but I appreciate your role. I just wanna help so below I have some tools and tips for you to be successful at your job. No need to thank me. I do this for you!

Luh,

Hope

Tools & Tips

1. He is NOT your man: Sorry but he isn't. He's Monica's man. You're just the jumpoff.

2. Play your role: Again, he is Brittany's man so that means you can't drop by his house unannounced, call him at crazy hours, call Tiara's job or anything CRAZY! You are the jumpoff... the jumpoff is for sex only. PLAY THAT ROLE!

3. Use a condom: This is self explanatory but just in case it isn't... If you get pregnant Tanya is not gonna allow him to take care of that baby. Sad but true. And of course you don't want any nasty, incurable STDs/STIs. Not cute!

4.  Do NOT try to fight his girl: Sorry but thats HER man not yours (referring back to T&T #1). Do not go up to her place of work or humble abode trying to start some mess. You will look silly!

5. Do Not go around bragging about being the jumpoff: In situations as sensitive as these discretion is mandatory. That means don't go bragging at the club, at work, on social networking sites, or Random House. You are a HOE! People will not sympathize with you nor will they think you have something special.

just sayin....

3Somes????

Every man I know wants to engage in a 3some... No exceptions! But before I agree to participate I have some pertinent questions: Whose responsibility is it to find the 3rd person? If its 2 boys and 1 girl, is it still a 3some or has it become something else? Where do the hands go? If I lick her does that automatically make me gay? Since she's technically taking my virginity, am I gonna fall in love with her like I fell in love with my first boyfriend? Should I serve refreshments before or after? Is it gonna hurt? Can I sleep with her again after we engage in this 3some? Does this officially make me a hoe? What does a 3some smell like? What type of attire do you wear to the 3some; is it casual? Can I get my official pimp card afterwards (I've always wanted one :))
....just wondering

Worst Sex Ever!!!!

Unfortunately I have had quite a few bad experiences in the bedroom. Here are 3 of the worst!!

Part I -- I watched him shimmy for 20 minutes... He moved better than I'd thought. He grabbed my hand startling from my thoughts and led me out of the party to his car. It seemed we both had the same idea. On the way back to his place he bragged about how mean his stroke is and how big he was... I half listened to him. It didn't take us long to get to his condo that he loved to brag about. And he didn't waste any time getting to what he wanted... He threw me onto his bed and ripped my pants off. He licked me... One long lick, his tongue was cold and prickly. I cringed. He got up smiling holding a magnum wrapper. My mind started spinning, this was already bad and I needed an excuse quickly. I looked up and he was rolling the condom down his dick. Baggy! (Baggy magnums are the worst.) before I knew it he was inside me... At least I think he was... I couldn't feel shit. I laid back and stared at the ceiling. I can't believe this shit! I started thinking about all the other places I could be. School, home, hell etc. What a waste, my fingers are bigger... While he was driving me home he warned me not to tell my friends how good he was in bed. They would try to steal him away from me.... Really nigga? I added him to my 'Do Not Answer" file.

Part II-- I was so nervous. This was gonna be my first time with a woman... She assured me I'd be fine. She guided me down here body gently then violently pushed my head into her pussy. (I had braces at the time... Just FYI). I was thrown off but I caught on rather quickly... Lick here, kiss there, suck, nibble etc. I got into the groove of tasting her so I switched positions so we could both get into each other... She started eating me out. It felt kinda awkward. She didn't really have a rhythm going. Just licking me indiscriminately. I decided to give her a little encouragement, "suck me, don't be scared" I whispered in my sexiest bedroom voice. For reason she thought sucking involved teeth... She BIT the shit out of me... I jumped back across the bed and screamed. "I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry." she lamented, "I can do better I promise". I shook my head no and hurriedly got my clothes back on. I left her standing there naked.... I still avoid her phone calls

Part III--- I thought I could have fallen in love with him, all bullshit aside. We clicked on every level. One night after plenty of drinking and flirting his head fell in between my legs. Oops! I decided to let it happen... It didn't hurt that he was doing a superb job. After about 10 minutes of kissing and touching I reached down to show him some attention. I slid my hand into his boxers. He jumped back... Interesting. I reached again. All I felt was a thick bush. Umm shave much? But anyway I kept reaching, I was straining at this point. Nothing. He finally stood up, I didn't see any signs of a penis. He? looked ashamed. "I'm just a little nervous, I'm not hard yet" he admitted. I reached again. This time I felt the smallest penis I've ever felt. 2 inches maximum. I muttered a lame ass excuse about having church early in the morning. His number was promptly added to the "Do Not Answer" section. Its so sad, we would have been so good together too.