Sex Tapes???

Everybody and their mom has a sex tape. It seems to be the hot new thing. I've been asked to star in my very own sex tape and though the idea of it is tantalizing and tempting I just can't do it unless some demands are met and some questions are answered. I know, I'm a tad bit demanding but hey... I don't wanna end up like Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton. The public embarrassment would be agonizing. So without further ado.... What type of film/camera will we be using? Who will be holding the camera? I like to use my hands so I vote you! Will there be wardrobe changes? I'd like at least 2 special, eye catching designer pieces for the occasion. Will there be props? Will you provide the sound effects? Can we hire a makeup artist to hide my trouble areas? I would really love it if we could choreograph a dance sequence at the beginning! Can you only shoot me from the left please? What?! Its my best side!! Who will be editing this video after the shoot? What will we eat when we watch it together? Who keeps the copy? Hold on buddy, ill keep the copy!!! Can we do stunts? Can I have a stunt double?! I've always wanted one. Can my name roll first in the credits? Just saying...