Chicken or Fish: A Quick Overview of Infidelity

  
Earlier @IshmealAlmighty and I were talking about cheating. I came with a simple theory to explain why we cheat: If I told you one day when you were approximately 27 or 28 years old that I wanted you to eat chicken everyday, what would you think? You would look at me as if I was crazy right. Why would you eat chicken every single day for the rest of your life when there are so many other delicious foods to enjoy? Even if Chicken is your favorite food, you don't want to eat it everyday! That's how I feel about relationships and marriage... why would I want to eat chicken everyday when there is sausage, fish, shrimp, porkchops, and steak! Why on earth would I torture myself that way? I don't love chicken any less than... lets say, FISH, but chicken will never taste like fish. I can cook chicken a thousand different ways and eats for a thousand days but then after that... it still won't taste like fish. It is also HIGHLY likely that I will be sick and tired of chicken after a thousand meals. I want fish now! I want something that is NOT chicken. I still look the favor, texture, and versatility of chicken but I need a change. So I cheat on chicken. I order the fish plate instead. Chicken cries and wants a divorce. Chicken doesn't understand why I no longer love it. But I do still LOVE chicken. I just had a craving for fish... Just sayin...

Men and Cheating

  
      Sorry guys I haven't had anything to say lately however, in light of the recent "Tiger-Gate" I was inspired to talk shit.... Now I was not surprised at Tiger's antics. He is a MAN, not only is he a man he is a VERY rich man. I don't really expect him to be faithful to anyone. But fuck Tiger... I don't know anyone with a Tiger Woods bank account so we'll just talk about men and cheating....
     I believe that all men cheat. No exceptions! Rich, poor, black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Atheist etc. I'm not a pessimist, I'm just a realist. People, not just men, are animals and i don't THINK we are supposed to be with one person for an entire lifetime. Not without a few snafus. Women cheat too but we're better at it (winks).
Are men expected to cheat? Is it something that largely ignored because "boys will be boys"? Would you chase your cheating spouse with a baseball bat (or any cylindrical, heavy object) if you found out they were cheating? Would you even want to know about their scandalous ways? What constitutes cheating? Do you cheat? Just Wondering....

Photographs

Dear You,
There's a picture in my phone of us. We look cute. We look happy. I should delete it but I can't. Not yet... We look sooo happy. I like to remember the good moments. The great moments... We had a lot of great moments together. I miss you like crazy but... No buts... I just miss you so I won't erase it. Not yet. Maybe not ever. Just know that someone adores you, no matter what.

Luh,

Hope

The Making of a Hoe: The Ugly Duckling

An "ugly duckling" is a person who was once unattractive and is now conventionally attractive. I say conventionally because ideally "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and all that jazz. When you grow up "ugly" you get used to people ignoring you. You begin to feel invisible and you grow accustomed to that feeling. Then one day, seemingly overnight, you're attractive. You're attractive and people can see you. You're no longer invisible, no longer "ugly". What do you do? You're getting loads of attention, attention you've always wanted but could never quite get. Its here! What would YOU do?? Well become a whore of course! You would become a kid in a proverbial candy store. Your former crushes can see you now. You want to give EVERYBODY the business and before you know it... You're a hoe... Nothing wrong with it... Just sayin

Download This Mixtape

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ALABAMA'S NEW VOICE OF THE SOUTH
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NEW MIXTAPE "Money to Burn" Hosted By: DJ D-Rock

Sex Tapes???

Everybody and their mom has a sex tape. It seems to be the hot new thing. I've been asked to star in my very own sex tape and though the idea of it is tantalizing and tempting I just can't do it unless some demands are met and some questions are answered. I know, I'm a tad bit demanding but hey... I don't wanna end up like Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton. The public embarrassment would be agonizing. So without further ado.... What type of film/camera will we be using? Who will be holding the camera? I like to use my hands so I vote you! Will there be wardrobe changes? I'd like at least 2 special, eye catching designer pieces for the occasion. Will there be props? Will you provide the sound effects? Can we hire a makeup artist to hide my trouble areas? I would really love it if we could choreograph a dance sequence at the beginning! Can you only shoot me from the left please? What?! Its my best side!! Who will be editing this video after the shoot? What will we eat when we watch it together? Who keeps the copy? Hold on buddy, ill keep the copy!!! Can we do stunts? Can I have a stunt double?! I've always wanted one. Can my name roll first in the credits? Just saying...

Dark Skinned Girls FTW!!!!

I love, love, LOVE Kelly Rowland and I think she was an excellent pick for this video.

The Illustrious Date

"Courting" is dead. Nowadays when a guy meets a girl he asks can they "chill" at either her place or his. Chill, kick it, shoot the breeze, et cetera all mean the same thing... 'Shawty I wanna F@#$!"........
Ummm I don't know about ya'll but I have a philosophy: I don't sell my body but I damn sure don't give it away. So that mean we can't chill shawty. You need to take me out and show me you know how to treat a lady. And trust, despite my language at times, I am nothing less than a prim and proper lady. So what happened to the date? When is the last time you've been on a real date? Are relationships over? Is it all about casual sex now? Can you feed me DAMMIT?! just sayin.....

Tools and Tips: Jumpoffs

Dear Jumpoff,

     I know that your place in society is overlooked and misunderstood. You work hard dammit! You work hard at keeping your pseudo man happy and I don't know about society at large but I appreciate your role. I just wanna help so below I have some tools and tips for you to be successful at your job. No need to thank me. I do this for you!

Luh,

Hope

Tools & Tips

1. He is NOT your man: Sorry but he isn't. He's Monica's man. You're just the jumpoff.

2. Play your role: Again, he is Brittany's man so that means you can't drop by his house unannounced, call him at crazy hours, call Tiara's job or anything CRAZY! You are the jumpoff... the jumpoff is for sex only. PLAY THAT ROLE!

3. Use a condom: This is self explanatory but just in case it isn't... If you get pregnant Tanya is not gonna allow him to take care of that baby. Sad but true. And of course you don't want any nasty, incurable STDs/STIs. Not cute!

4.  Do NOT try to fight his girl: Sorry but thats HER man not yours (referring back to T&T #1). Do not go up to her place of work or humble abode trying to start some mess. You will look silly!

5. Do Not go around bragging about being the jumpoff: In situations as sensitive as these discretion is mandatory. That means don't go bragging at the club, at work, on social networking sites, or Random House. You are a HOE! People will not sympathize with you nor will they think you have something special.

just sayin....

This Has Nothin to do with Nothin

I will become this man"s wife tonight if he asks... Just sayin....

Makes My Teeth White...

Nigger, nigga, ni66a. nucca, my nig.... If you say any variation of this word in the RIGHT place at the RIGHT time you will be in for the beating of a lifetime. The N word is easily the most deplorable racial epitaph in the English language yet WE (I'm referring to black people) constantly use it in popular culture and everyday life. The common defense of the word is that black people have stripped the word of its negativity. The word is now an empowering term of endearment.... but if your skin is the wrong color you will still catch the beating of a lifetime. So, that means it DOES still have power as a racial slur. It ISN'T so endearing. Just sayin...

Love, Actually

Guy: how many times have you been in love? 
Me: umm 3 times if you count yourself lol 
Guy: no no. Don't count me. We weren't in love. 
Me: umm well I'm pretty sure I was in love with you. 
Guy: that was just you... 
First of all this guy is a douchebag. Secondly, what is "love" really? Does it have to be mutual to exist? Can you be in love all alone? If you are in love all alone does it even count as a notch on your belt? What you saw above is a real conversation between myself and someone I was "involved" with but not dating so it hurt to hear that... So do you guys know, what is love actually?

3Somes????

Every man I know wants to engage in a 3some... No exceptions! But before I agree to participate I have some pertinent questions: Whose responsibility is it to find the 3rd person? If its 2 boys and 1 girl, is it still a 3some or has it become something else? Where do the hands go? If I lick her does that automatically make me gay? Since she's technically taking my virginity, am I gonna fall in love with her like I fell in love with my first boyfriend? Should I serve refreshments before or after? Is it gonna hurt? Can I sleep with her again after we engage in this 3some? Does this officially make me a hoe? What does a 3some smell like? What type of attire do you wear to the 3some; is it casual? Can I get my official pimp card afterwards (I've always wanted one :))
....just wondering

WTF?! Mackenzie Phillips

If you've been paying attention to popular culture lately you'll know that Mackenzie Phillips is writing a book. The most controversial subject matter is her incestuous relationship with her father John Phillips. Now I'm not going to delve too far into what the two of them had going on because I haven't purchased and read her book yet but her revelation sparked some heated debate.
Mackenzie was 19 when the alleged affair began and it was consensual so its not technically or legally defined as rape. Nevertheless its shameful and disgusting, especially on her father's behalf. First of all HE'S HER FATHER!!!! Regardless of how old she was, he was still her father.He has a certain responsibility to her. Secondly she was hooked on drugs so he was definitely taking advantage. But a lot of people say she seduced him. A lot of people say he wasn't at fault at all because they were both consenting adults. So what do you think? Is it okay to fuck your family members after your 18th birthday? Were they equally responsible for their actions? Do you think she's lying to sell books? Let me know.

Worst Sex Ever!!!!

Unfortunately I have had quite a few bad experiences in the bedroom. Here are 3 of the worst!!

Part I -- I watched him shimmy for 20 minutes... He moved better than I'd thought. He grabbed my hand startling from my thoughts and led me out of the party to his car. It seemed we both had the same idea. On the way back to his place he bragged about how mean his stroke is and how big he was... I half listened to him. It didn't take us long to get to his condo that he loved to brag about. And he didn't waste any time getting to what he wanted... He threw me onto his bed and ripped my pants off. He licked me... One long lick, his tongue was cold and prickly. I cringed. He got up smiling holding a magnum wrapper. My mind started spinning, this was already bad and I needed an excuse quickly. I looked up and he was rolling the condom down his dick. Baggy! (Baggy magnums are the worst.) before I knew it he was inside me... At least I think he was... I couldn't feel shit. I laid back and stared at the ceiling. I can't believe this shit! I started thinking about all the other places I could be. School, home, hell etc. What a waste, my fingers are bigger... While he was driving me home he warned me not to tell my friends how good he was in bed. They would try to steal him away from me.... Really nigga? I added him to my 'Do Not Answer" file.

Part II-- I was so nervous. This was gonna be my first time with a woman... She assured me I'd be fine. She guided me down here body gently then violently pushed my head into her pussy. (I had braces at the time... Just FYI). I was thrown off but I caught on rather quickly... Lick here, kiss there, suck, nibble etc. I got into the groove of tasting her so I switched positions so we could both get into each other... She started eating me out. It felt kinda awkward. She didn't really have a rhythm going. Just licking me indiscriminately. I decided to give her a little encouragement, "suck me, don't be scared" I whispered in my sexiest bedroom voice. For reason she thought sucking involved teeth... She BIT the shit out of me... I jumped back across the bed and screamed. "I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry." she lamented, "I can do better I promise". I shook my head no and hurriedly got my clothes back on. I left her standing there naked.... I still avoid her phone calls

Part III--- I thought I could have fallen in love with him, all bullshit aside. We clicked on every level. One night after plenty of drinking and flirting his head fell in between my legs. Oops! I decided to let it happen... It didn't hurt that he was doing a superb job. After about 10 minutes of kissing and touching I reached down to show him some attention. I slid my hand into his boxers. He jumped back... Interesting. I reached again. All I felt was a thick bush. Umm shave much? But anyway I kept reaching, I was straining at this point. Nothing. He finally stood up, I didn't see any signs of a penis. He? looked ashamed. "I'm just a little nervous, I'm not hard yet" he admitted. I reached again. This time I felt the smallest penis I've ever felt. 2 inches maximum. I muttered a lame ass excuse about having church early in the morning. His number was promptly added to the "Do Not Answer" section. Its so sad, we would have been so good together too.

Welcome

I finally have a blog!!!!! Now I can talk all the shit I want! Whoo Hoo! =D